Before you decide who to approach and how you intend to make amends, reflect on your efforts at recovery and the intent behind making amends. Guilt for our wrongs can be one of the most deceptive recovery alcoholism demons to bear because it damages us from the inside, where it happily hides. Get rid of that guilt; apologize, make your amends and let go of them.

How to Start Step 9

We gain humility as a result of taking a good look at the damage we did to others (and ourselves) and accepting responsibility for it. After acknowledging to ourselves what we’ve done, we take responsibility for making it right. There is nothing quite like experiencing increased humility while making amends in your Ninth Step and recognizing the self-empowerment and self-love that comes with it. When discussing our amends list with our sponsors, if we are open-minded, we can start to think about these kinds of situations in ways we haven’t thought about them before.

Making Living Amends in 12 Step Recovery

One can start with those amends that may be easier and work their way up to the more challenging ones. You may also have the opportunity in the future to make more direct amends with certain people in time. However, this future possibility should not keep you from working your steps. However, even if you feel extremely motivated to make direct amends, it is advisable to take your time with this step. Make sure that you are comfortable with your progress during recovery and that both you and the other person are ready to engage in the process.

Evidence-Based Addiction Treatments and Step 9 AA

In these cases, reflect on whether reaching out is to clear your own conscience at the other person’s expense. This is where a 12-Step “sponsor” or even a counselor’s feedback could be helpful in checking your motivation. Giving a person space and honoring their right to feel what they feel about the impact your addiction and the connected behaviors has had on their lives.

• We stop thinking about our lives in terms of what we don’t have and begin to appreciate the gifts that we receive every single day.
• John C. Umhau, MD, MPH, CPE is board-certified in addiction medicine and preventative medicine.
• Making amends fosters clarity, self-forgiveness, and relief from guilt, which is healing.
• My only goal right now is to acknowledge the harm I caused and do what I can to make amends, if that’s possible.

How to Successfully Make 9th Step Amends

It is a clear and purposeful act designed to clear up a problem from the past. I tend to hide the memory of past transgressions under the ever-handy umbrella of “Didn’t do it if I don’t remember”. Since I spent years in a boozy haze all sorts of hurts were ignored.

• It is equally important that you genuinely stop and listen to the other person.
• Step Nine can leave you emotionally exhausted; it’s a difficult step to navigate.
• Sometimes, we hurt people beyond the repair of that relationship.
• By forgiving others we start to recognize our own humanness, and it gives us the capacity to be less judgmental than we were in the past.

• In the 12-step program, making these amends is a core part of recovery, helping to rebuild trust and personal accountability, which are key aspects of the 12-step recovery process.
• Cake offers its users do-it-yourself online forms to complete their own wills and generalized educational content about wills.
• Use this list to reflect on the impact of the things that occurred and the accountability you are now capable of owning.

As in many harms done, I found that it just wasn’t “I” who had it all twisted up. In opening up some past wrongs and in making those amends, many dear and wonderful people have also received healing, an understanding and answers to stuff they were holding on to for far too long. Sometimes the injured party is not willing to forgive and forget. Regardless, spiritual progress for those in recovery depends on doing their part right and making direct amends. Step 9 is another one of the 12 steps, that initially appears most difficult, but the rewards of putting this principle into practice can be immense.

When and Why Do People Make Living Amends?

• And finally, we are very aware that in order to keep this feeling of freedom, we’ll need to keep on applying what we’ve learned while working the steps.
• One can start with those amends that may be easier and work their way up to the more challenging ones.
• But when I worked this step with my sponsor I realized that I had several issues that I didn’t even realize I needed to make amends about.
• So be sure to talk with your sponsor and/or support group about your plan in the event that you need support.

If possible, schedule a time to speak with them in advance to prepare for the conversation. Book Jason for speaking engagements, events or appearances and let him bring the message of recovery & hope. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. Restoration means bringing something back to its former state, usually things that have been damaged. This can mean restoring our reputations, and even restoring trust in a relationship.

They want to find ways of making up for all their past living amends aa wrongs, and they don’t want to miss the opportunity to do so once their loved one dies. In these cases, they make promises of cleaning up their act and changing their behaviors to their loved ones just before they die. The origin of living amends in modern use relates to addiction recovery and substance abuse treatment. However, in the context of grief recovery, David Kessler, in his book Finding Meaning, talks about the importance of living amends as a tool for grief healing. In particular, he discusses how to heal when the person we need to make amends with is no longer living. When the person you owe reparations to has died, you can still make living amends by changing things about you and how you live your life.

Steps for Making Living Amends

In those cases, we can make amends in a broader sense by taking actions like donating money, volunteering our time or providing care. While making amends can be healing, the outcome is not always predictable. Your actions alone may bring you a sense of peace, whether a person accepts you amends or not.